There have been times in my life when my chief emotion seemed to be Melancholy. My senior year in high school and during my time in Memphis while going to tech school for the Marines are but a couple of those periods of depression. I have been a moody prick for some periods of time throughout my life .
I credit my wife of many years, Vicki, for making my existence so rich and full that these times of moodiness have been much fewer and much less frequent since our marriage. In addition, I believe my faith has helped me to understand that I’m not alone or without spiritual resources.
That being said; today is one of those days when I find myself slipping into the murky and familiar waters of melancholy. It rained this morning (God we need it) and the sky remains cloudy and the atmosphere gloomy. A perfect day to get into a real “Funk” and get in touch with my innately tortured soul.
May of this year will mark the third anniversary of my Mother’s death and also the third year since I put our dog Missy to sleep. I say I put her to sleep because it was my decision and I went into the room with her when they did the procedure. (Shit I hate that term) I held her and watched the light go out of her eyes as she peacefully died. Then I broke down and cried like a baby. To this day I cannot recall that time without a mixture of sadness, guilt and remorse at the loss of our constant companion of over 15 years. Missy was a small dog (mixed breed of Shih tzu and Lhasa Apso) with a sweet crooked grin and a loving demeanor. The sedative given to her before the death drug was administered had made her already glassy eyes (from cataracts) seem more liquid and indefinite. Attached to her front leg was an intravenous line wrapped in white bandage strips. It was if I was comforting a wounded friend instead of killing her.
Just a few weeks earlier that month we got the call on a Saturday morning from the nursing home just blocks from our house that my Mom had died before the ambulance could even be called. We threw on some clothes and went to find Mom dead and alone in what then seemed to me to be the cold and sterile environment of her room. We stayed with her till the Mortuary van came to take her to the funeral home. I helped the attendant wrap my Mom up in sheets and put her in the van. I will not ever be able to forget the sight of her in death or the feelings associated with that day. Her pallor was yellow tinged and waxen. The expression on her face seemed to me a mixture of surprise and minor pain. It did not look as if she’d suffered but that she was still thinking about living even in death.
In some ways Vicki and I were emotionally numb that morning. We had just completed bringing Mom to Phoenix (at her request), finding her a good home, (she needed 24 hour care) and making her as comfortable as possible. We were just 10 minutes from her and though she had been diagnosed as terminal, we expected a few months or weeks at least before she passed away. In fact in was only 6 days after we moved her from Selma, Alabama to Phoenix, Arizona before she was gone.
Our hearts and our wills were broken by the sheer irony of the situation.
In response to these sad and tragic events in my life I wrote the following songs. “I said Goodbye” was written about our pet Missy and “Now that you’re Gone” was inspired by the death of my Mother and the realization that I was all that was left of my parent’s family.
I place them here for your perusal and comment.
I SAID GOODBYE
I said Goodbye to an Old Friend Today
I cried like a baby as she slipped Away
No one had told me that I’d feel this way
When I said Goodbye to an Old Friend Today
Verse 2
We’d been fast friends for the last 15 years
I think I saw her most every day
Now I’m not able to hold back my tears
After saying Goodbye to my Old Friend Today
CHORUS
I know the act of loving is not without it’s cost
The payment is the ending and the pain of the loss
But I can’t stop trying to feel this love I feel
Maybe that’s why I’m crying from knowing that it’s real
Now I’m sad and wondering was the time too soon
But it was my decision and I’m left with just this tune
I guess this is my life I guess there’s nothing left to say
That’s why I said Goodbye to my Old Friend Today
I said Goodbye to an Old Friend today
I cried like a baby as she slipped Away
NOW THAT YOU’RE GONE
Now that you’re gone I feel so empty
Now that you’re gone I just don’t know what to do
Now that you’re gone I feel so empty Oh how I miss you
How I miss you
Verse 2
Now that you’re gone I feel so lonely
Now that you’re gone I feel so Blue
Now that you’re gone I feel so lonely Oh how I miss you
How I miss you
Chorus
If I’d had my way we would have had more time together
To get to know each other all over again
But the Good Lords plans intervened and our time came to an end
So here I am without you
Verse 3
Now that you’re gone I feel disconnected
Now that you’re gone Who do I belong to
Now that you’re gone I’m disconnected Oh how I miss you
How I miss you
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